April 26, 2004
Interview with a Blogger: Zeitzeuge
Mark at Zeitzeuge is one of the sweetest men I have ever had the
pleasure to not meet. He simply has the biggest heart. I know I'm not alone in
my opinion and many, many people feel the same way. Blogging only for eight
month, he has cultivated a large following who read about his adventures in
Dallas with his close circle of friends, stories about his past and his down
home charm. He is quite a remarkable guy.
BRIAN: I actually had to look up what zeitzeuge meant. Why did you
name your blog this?
MARK: A good friend of mine in Germany helped name my site actually. Zeitzeuge,
pronounced Tsite-Tsoyga, means "a contemporary witness to a specific time, place or era in
History.
B: What about the name appealed to you?
M: It was so different. Unlike any blog name that i had seen before. I wanted something
eye-catching and something that would cause people to ask questions.
B: That is does. Tell me what prompted you to start blogging.
M: I began reading weblogs about two years ago. My friend Gary and I started talking and realized that we both were reading many of the same people. One thing lead to another and he asked if we should start one ourselves.
We were up and running a few weeks later.
B: How long have you been blogging?
M: I started September 17, 2003. Just a few days before my birthday actually.
B: One thing I noticed immediately about your site is you seemed to never run out of things to post.
Where does that come from?
M: I've actually stopped and asked myself the same question. I've been lucky to have experienced so many things in my life, dated many kinds of people, come from a wonderful yet bizarre family. Things just pop into head from nowhere quite often.
B: Does your family read your site?
M: No, not at all. I decided in the beginning, for me to be very open, honest and blunt, that I didn't want to ever have family, lovers and some friends hinder me from writing about what I want.
B: You are very open and honest on your blog. Has it ever gotten you in trouble?
M: So far it hasn't. I've always been a very open and honest person in general. I wanted my blog to reflect exactly who
I was as a person also. I don't hide my emotions or what I think. I find that most people respect me for being this way. But you never know, my day of upsetting someone is bound to happen.
B: So you've never posted something and later regretted it?
M: There have been a few times when I write about HIV that I've wanted to delete the entry. I never want to come across as
"Pity me. I'm HIV." or "Please feel sorry for me." due to what I've gone through.
Sometimes I reread those entries and cringe. Other than that, I've been pretty happy with all that I've posted about.
B: Personally, I think it's important that you do post about having HIV.
For one, it's a part of who you are. For another, I think it gives insight into the life of someone who has
HIV for someone out there in the ether who may not know anyone who has HIV.
M: That's exactly how I feel also. I've already had a few people send me personal emails asking for advice and to tell me their story. That means more to
me than people realize. I, at times, felt that I became positive for a reason and maybe helping someone else go through it is reason enough.
B: So I know you've already met one blogger in person and are going to
meet a slew of them in
New York next month. What do you think about this whole network of friends you've made solely through blogging?
M: It's absolutely amazing. Something that I never dreamed would happen. I just wanted a little site to tell silly stories about my past and my current life. I never thought I would be meeting so many people that I can actually call my friends. I don't take making friends lightly. They mean the world to me as do many bloggers already.
B: I like the post when you were sick and a blogger had food sent to your
house.
M: That's when I realized that I had met "real" people who would be lifelong friends. For someone who's only read my entries and chatted on the phone possibly twice, to send me enough food for an army, was one of the sweetest things.
B: That is pretty cool. So who all are you going to meet at the NYC Bloggerpalooza?
M: I will be in New York from May 21 to 24 and I think the last count was close to
ten bloggers or more. I'll be staying with Matt from
'Til the Cows Come Home. I'll be meeting
Ruggerjohnnyd, Crash,
Patch, Bobzyeruncle,
Watersea, Homer's
World, Addaboy hopefully, Rob Byrnes and of course my favorite,
Zenchick. I know there's a few others that have mentioned coming up for the weekend also.
If I've forgotten anyone, they'll kill me.
B: Zenchick is one of my faves too. I feel incredibly lucky to have "met" her. I suppose I have you to thank for that, since I stumbled onto her blog from yours.
M: I'm glad you've had the chance to get to know her also. I sometimes swear we were separated at birth. I look to her like a sister almost. I know I'll probably get all teary eyed when I see her for the first time.
She's one of those "friends for life" bloggers.
B: It is so cool that you are going to meet that many bloggers over your weekend. It really
will be a "Palooza".
M: Oh, I know! It started off as just a small weekend getaway to see New
York for the first time and meet a few people. It kind of grew from there.
B: So let's switch gears here. Tell me about your life as an artist. I find your glasswork and drawings so incredible and powerful.
M: Well, being an artist for me started at a very young age. My mother tells me that when
I was probably four or five years old, I refused to use coloring books and colors. I wanted a blank pad and a pencil. I had to make my own drawings. I took every art class
I could when I was in junior and senior high. It was from the encouragement of my parents to
pursue art and to drop my accounting major. Yes, the truth is out. Drawing to me is the most pure way for me to express myself.I couldn't see my life without the ability to draw.Most of my work people have regarded as 'difficult to look at'. I find my work quite humorous for the most part, but yes, it deals with very serious subjects.
B: I think some of the best art is difficult to look at. Art
isn't always about seeing pretty or soothing images. It is suppose to challenge us and take us to places we might not always want to go.
M: Exactly. I want people to look at my work and see many things. My glass professor saw the only
"HIV" related drawing I ever did. It was a picture of me with a pistol sticking out of my unbuttoned jeans with a flower stuck in the
barrel of the gun. I had the words "my dick can kill" tattooed on my stomach. He still has the drawing, but it resides in his closet.
B: Wow! That is very provocative. Do you see blogging as an extension of your artistic side or is it something altogether different?
M: I'm still trying to figure that out. I've had a few people tell me that I'm a good writer or that I should attempt writing a book. I don't see myself as a writer and probably never will. I'll leave that up to the professionals. I just felt like I had something to say and hopefully someone would like to hear about it.
I would like to use my blog for showcasing more of my artwork. That's my main goal.
B: Tell me about the drawing you use for your banner.
M: I was asked to enter a drawing competition a few years back. I was battling coming out of the closet and dealing with my religious upbringing. I felt like there was this constant battle to do what was right or what I've always been told.
I felt like there was this internal battle between good versus evil or right
versus wrong going on. The entire drawing, which you can't see on my site, has an angel tattoo on one side and a cloaked demonic figure on the other, showing the battle I think we all face on a daily basis. The tattoo of the cross on my arm showed how so many people 'wear" their religion on their sleeve. Showing it off.
I've never been able to understand why I have a smirk on my face.
B: I think it's part of your devilish charm.
M: Ah, thanks. Despite the serious subject, I always try to see the lighter side of things.
I have too. Life would be too difficult.
B: You recently posted about your experience with angels. (See Parts One,
Two and Three.)
What kind of reaction did you get from your readers about it? Any skeptics?
M: That had to be three of the most difficult entries to write about. I was basically scared shitless. I was more worried about what people would think. Then a wise blogger reminded me that I blog for myself first and foremost. So
I told the stories. Even a few bloggers who I knew would be very skeptical, thanked me for telling the story and had to admit they believed in angels themselves.
I just didn't want to come across as some religious nut.
B: Are you religious?
M: I would call myself spiritual. I was raised a very strict Pentecostal
until I was 25 years old. We were in church four times a week. My grandfather was a traveling evangelist. My mother and her sisters were the founders of our church back home. I realized later on in life that I didn't need an organized religion to tell me how to lead my life. I like to say I follow a more spiritual path. It's easy to take the boy out of the church, but taking the church out of the boy is a little more difficult.
B: Now comes the last part of the interview, the Final Four. Are you ready?
M: Ready as I'll ever be.
B: Whom do you admire most? In what way does that person inspire you?
M: I would have to say my father who passed away ten years ago. He worked so hard to make the lives of his family the best it could be.
He never complained but just kept on going until the day he died. He was such a fighter. I hope to be more like him all the time.
B: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
M: The ability to heal.
B: For what in life do you feel most grateful?
M: I feel most grateful for the time I've been given so far to meet so many incredible people and experience so many things up until now.
B: If you were guaranteed honest responses to any three questions, who would you question and what would you ask?
M: Oh wow. This goes back to my father. I would ask him what heaven is like, who's up there with him and if he's proud of me.
B: Thanks for doing this Mark. I appreciate it.
M: Oh no problem Honey. I was excited to do it.
April 21, 2004
Ain't Nuthin' But a Gmail Thang Bay-bee
So I got the
invite to test out Google's email service, Gmail. I went ahead and signed up
and later sent out an email telling everyone in my contacts that I've changed my
email addy. That may have been premature considering I didn't really know a lot
about Gmail, but what the hell, I thought. The drugs have made me care less and
less about shit like this.
So far, I really like what I see. Naturally, I like Gmail's clean design.
I never like Yahoo's that much and Hotmail just got more and more busy every time
I signed in. I love the discussion
thread aspect of reading the emails. And who can knock the 1000
MB of space.
I've already had someone ask me about the whole privacy thing. (In addition to
all the news feeds, apparently there was even a report on NPR's news about it.)
Here is my perspective:
1. I don't consider my information that private to begin with. Do you realize
how much shit other people know about me as it is. It's pretty apparent with all
the frickin' junk mail I receive at home every day. Not email, actual physical
mail. Frankly, I rarely get junk mail in my email. Most likely because the
companies that do have my email address, keep it to themselves.
Between credit bureaus, creditors, magazine subscriptions, grocery store
discount cards, etc. there is a lot of info about me out there already. I
am of cautious but I remain realistic. I'm not going to obsess over something
like this. (Thank the drugs again.)
2. I think the whole issue about Google and privacy has been blown out way of
proportion. "News" usually is.
There are a whole bunch of
things to debunk this whole privacy "concern", but bottom line for
me is, I don't believe Google is the kind of company that would fuck with my
information. I am much more skeptical of other established hosted mail services
(yes, you Hotmail!) than I ever would be about Google.
So, if you want to reach me, email me at cheapblueguitar at gmail dot com.
And just for the record, I
agree with Evan. People's concerns about privacy are of course, very
legitimate. But we do live in a sound bite hungry society where people rarely
know the facts but always know the headlines.
April 20, 2004
Vacation Highlights
I was in Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina for the weekend visiting my friend Diana. Some vacation highlights, thoughts, observations and queries:
I felt a little queasy before my flight so I bought some Dramamine to keep
from heaving. Did you know Dramamine makes you sleepy? I didn't. I slept for
almost the entire flight. Which was probably a good thing. I was sandwiched
between a man who insisted on violating my personal space the entire flight
and a girl obviously suffering from a cold. Ugh.
Can someone tell me why there is always a Brooks Brothers at the airport?
I've never seen anyone shopping in one and I can't imagine anyone having the
overwhelming desire to purchase a sports coat while waiting for their flight.
I immediately had to retrain myself when ordering beverages. I kept asking
for regular tea thinking I'd get unsweetened tea. I
forgot that regular tea in the south is sweetened tea. Bleah.
I played with Diana's camera phone while there. I realize if I had one, I'd
run the battery down constantly with stupid candid shots.
I saw lots of trees.
They are a cloak of deception. They make everything seem very rural cause you
can't ever really see the metropolitan area for the trees.
Apparently festivals are quite the big thing in "The Triangle". We went to the Skakori Grassroots Festival and something called the Apple Chill,
which was a street arts and crafts fair. I didn't expect to be spending so
much time outdoors and didn't pack my organic sun block. (Regular sun block
burns my face. What can I say...I'm a delicate flower.) So I got quite the
facial sunburn at the festivals. I need to invest in a good sun blocking
hat. The challenge is 1) finding one that fits my large head and 2) finding
one that doesn't look stupid.
The Skakori Grassroots Festival was full of modern day hippies wearing lots of tie dye and hemp bracelets. One hippie chick was sporting a skirt fashioned out of men's ties. She gets the MacGyver Challenge award from me.
At one of the "Healing Arts" booths, I got a massage. My masseuse
was a large hippie man with a long white and gray ponytail and beard. I have a
weird thing about people touching me so I am amazed I let Herbal Santa massage
me at all, let alone in the middle of the woods in full view of everyone.
Oddly, I didn't see a single damn apple at the Apple Chill. I'm unsure
why it was called that. I probably should have asked someone. There were a lot of people there so it was nice to
just walk around and people watch. I was disappointed that I didn't see hardly
any gay dudes there but the dykes were representing well. I also got to see
some ghetto fabulous divas and their men. I kept wondering if any of the guys
were living
on the down low.
I ate at some pretty great restaurants including Mama
Dip's and Pepper's
Pizza. Pepper's had the BEST gazpacho and pizza.
There is no Starbucks at the RDU airport! Those rat bastards. Now, I know
what you are thinking. "But Brian...you don't drink coffee." True,
but I do craved regular...er...unsweetened iced tea often and I really needed
something to drink before my flight. I was sunburned and exhausted and was yearning
for some Tazo black tea. I had to suck it up and drink water. The second I set
foot off the plane in Phoenix, I headed to the nearest kiosk like a junkie
needing a fix.
April 18, 2004
This website has warped my fragile little mind.
I am so much cuter as a South Park character.
Become a South Park Character.
April 12, 2004
Corporate Art
I posted this outside my cubicle last week.
So far not a single person has commented about it.
The humor may be a bit too high brow for this place. Either that or they just think I'm weird.
Probably both.
April 9, 2004
I often struggle to come up with things to post. Most of the time I feel
my life is just so mundane and routine that I think "nobody wants to read
about this." Most people probably feel this way. However I find other
people's live completely fascinating and I love asking people about themselves.
So I came up with an idea to interview various bloggers. With that, I bring you
Zenchick.
BRIAN: Tell me how you first became aware of weblogs.
ZENCHICK: My friend Mike, who is a webmaster for a living, sent me a link just about a year ago to the weblog of an old friend of his from
college. She and her
husband have a website and they both blogged. I was in the middle of a long training period for my job, so when I got his email with the
link and his "I think you
should do this," I just hit delete.
B: When did you get around to discovering the blog universe?
ZC: Sometime last summer, Mike set up his own blog on Blogger and let me know. I went to Blogger, set one up, but never posted. Then I started to really
read Jenny's site, Mike's friend with the blog. We like to refer to her as "Jenny from the
blog". And found it intriguing. At this point, my training was
done and I had
a lot more time and room to breathe. When I started following Jenny's links and links from those links...well, I was hooked. Literally. I became totally overwhelmed reading all of these blogs at
one time, and completely unable to keep track of who was whom, where they lived, what they did, and how I found them. And yet, that didn't stop me...obviously.
B: Have the kinds of things you post about changed since you first started?
ZC: I think the range of things about which I post has broadened tremendously. And I think it took me a good long while to find my "blog
voice". I really think
I learn a lot by reading other blogs and seeing what people post about and what their style is.
B: How would you describe your blog to someone who never saw a blog before?
ZC: Well, I've been asked by a lot of non-bloggers what it is.
"There are no non-blogger,"
MAK says. "Only people who have yet begun to
blog." I usually
tell them it's an online journal of sorts that's posted on a web page. I get a lot of
blank stares. Someone once exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, aren't you worried about
people reading your private stuff?" I then explained to her that since I know
ahead of time that it's going to be on the internet, I only post stuff that I'm
comfortable with everyone reading. I also describe some of the specialty blogs, like a lot of the
Zen and Buddhist blogs I read, and that it's a whole little interconnected subculture.
B: You also have another blog about the loss of your
cat. Why did you decide to create a separate blog just about that?
ZC: Well, when I began blogging I couldn't have anticipated that my
fairly young kitty would get sort of suddenly sick and I'd have to have her put to sleep. I
was posting about it as it was happening, and found myself posting a great deal about what I was dealing with after she died. I had seen that some people had more
than one blog, sometimes a general blog and a specialty blog, a professional blog and a personal one, so I decided that I would start a new blog, just about my loss.
That way, anyone who was interested could still read those posts, but my regular blog readers didn't have to be subjected to it.
I find it very healing to write and when the kitty died I got an immense amount of
virtual support from the blog community, which I still get on the cat loss blog.
B: About that virtual support and the whole interconnected subculture, does it ever surprise you that you now have this whole
community of friends solely through blogging?
ZC: It surprises me daily! Not only that I have this 'community' of people who I've never laid eyes
on that I count as my friends, but that I've actually met
some other bloggers. I even posted my Amazon.com wish list on my blog, which I had seen around
but didn't feel comfortable doing at first. It seemed like asking
for gifts from strangers. Then along rolled my birthday and here come Amazon.com packages from bloggers! It was surreal.
B: What was it like meeting a blogger in person for the first time?
ZC: Well, ironically enough it was two days after the cat died, so everything was sort of surreal then anyway. The first one I met was
Vince who lives in San Francisco but was in Baltimore for a conference. We had lunch. Now, we hadn't emailed at
all, or commented that much
on each other's blogs, so it wasn't like "Oh my goodness...after all this time, here you are!" But it was very natural. So much so, that I went to visit him in San Francisco
about two months later. I would have to say that it was different when I met bloggers with whom I had corresponded a
lot. More of an adjustment period, I guess, to being with
them in person.
B: Let's talk about your spirituality. Tell me about Shambhala and how you discovered it.
ZC: Well, about nine years ago, one of the teachers at Shambhala held a private class in "mindfulness meditation." He sent out brochures to many
people and one
of the lists he got was licensed social workers, which I am. I had just begun to read about Zen
Buddhism as a result of a rather random conversation one day and I
knew someone at the time who was involved with Shambhala. She highly recommended this class, so I took
it. 90 minutes, once a week. About a year later I decided to go to the Shambhala center and find out what it was all about. I went for their regular open
house and went running the
other way. I wasn't ready. I was so un-ready, in fact, that if someone had asked me then, "Why didn't you go back to Shambhala?" I probably would have
responded, "Do you want pizza or Chinese food?" It wasn't even on my radar screen, going back or not going back.
Over the ensuing years I did a great deal of reading about different kinds of Eastern spirituality and practice, did T'ai Chi for a
while. Started a regular yoga
practice. For the last few years I had this nagging voice going, "go to Shambhala, you'll like it now," but I still wasn't ready. I don't quite know what made me
"ready" last summer, but I began going then, and it felt 180 degrees different than it did all those years ago. It felt right.
B: Is it easy to balance Shambhala with Judaism? Does one ever conflict with the other or do they compliment each other?
ZC: Well, Shambhala is a non-sectarian spiritual path, that's based on principles of Tibetan Buddhism. The basic notion is that, with mindfulness and the
cultivation of a mindfulness practice, in this case, meditation, we can conduct our everyday lives with wisdom and compassion. The aspiration is to create a
community, a society even, of dignity and compassion. So there's certainly no conflict
there and because it's not a religious path there are many others there who practice their own religion. I would say,
however that I struggle to make the two meet somehow. I feel a certain void at
Shambhala. I could never just go there and not practice Judaism anymore.
Conversely, I feel a lacking for me in Jewish practice that there is not a Shambhala-like component. So, I would say yes, it's fairly easy to balance it...I would like to
find a way to bring the two closer together though.
B: How so?
ZC: Well, there are some organizations that practice Judaism within a spiritual context.
Or should I say are esoteric within a Jewish context? Potato. Po-tahto. For instance a
retreat center in the Catskill Mountains of New York called Elat Chayyim. There they have integrated meditation, yoga, and social activism within
Judaism and I find in a place like that, I get both sets of needs met, my needs as a Jewish person, and my needs as a
meditator. Unfortunately there aren't any
places like that here in my little burgh.
B: Have you ever considered starting something like that yourself?
ZC: I have actually. There were a few people interested in it last year and we tried to get together, but it didn't really have any momentum. And
here the
Jewish community is quite conventional and homogeneous, so it just fizzled.
B: So now comes the part of the interview I like to call the Final Four.
Ripping off that creepy Inside the Actors studio guy, I've decided to end each interview with the same four questions.
Here we go. Whom do you admire most? In what way does that person inspire you?
ZC: I'd loathe to have to pick one person that I admire the most, but I will say that someone I have a great deal of admiration for is my acupuncture
practitioner. We are the same age and so I really relate to her. For years, before going back to school for
this she worked at Christie's Auction House in
Manhattan. That couldn't be any different from what she does now! She is solid as a
rock and the most compassionate person I have ever met. She is also very
present, much more so than most people I encounter, myself included! I am inspired, awe-struck sometimes at how open, mindful, and compassionate she can
be and I often think of her in situations where I'm not feeling grounded and think "What would she do? What might she say to me about this?"
B: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
ZC: Fearlessness. Both in the spiritual sense, as the focus of the Shambhala path, and in the functional sense. I worry a lot.
B: For what in life do you feel most grateful?
ZC: Well this is going to sound trite, but the ability to be present, even in the small doses I find it. It is
true though when I'm truly present, I am able to
appreciate all of the wonderful things I have in my life.
B: If you were guaranteed honest responses to any three questions, who would you question and what would you ask?
ZC: 1. My father: what are your secret dreams? 2. Anne Lamott: where ever
did you learn how to write like that?!? And will you teach me?! 3. Amy,
my late best friend: what's it like up there??
B: Thank you very much Zenchick. This was fun for me.
ZC: My pleasure!
April 8, 2004
Iconoclast
Yesterday I was browsing through Andrea's Superhero Designs reading various
entries. I really like this chick. She is quite a beautiful person, inside and out. She seems like such a
remarkable woman. And very talented. Not only does she paint and make
jewelry,
she takes the most amazing portraits of people. They are just stunning. Look at
this one she took of her husband and this one she took of a
baby. Simply
beautiful.
I stumbled across this post about her friend
Jeff. Curious fellow that I am, I
then started sifting through his
site. This guy has such a courageous zest for
life. It is so enviable. When I read the post about him putting on a suit and
then go running I started chuckling to myself. "That's so fucking
brilliant," I said out loud. His passion for living is so inspiring. I kept
thinking, "I'd really like to know this guy."
Then I stopped and realized I wanted something more than that. I wanted to be more like him.
For so long I have lived with such pain and sadness. Somehow it didn't destroy
me, but it did at times break my spirit.
At the beginning of this year, I was hardly living a life. I had such apathy for
everything. Over the last many weeks that has started turning around. Every day I
feel better. Like an awakening. It's startling to witness this transformation.
Many people have noticed and commented, but it's also something I see and feel
each day, like I'm seeing it from the outside in.
Last night I had dinner with a friend of mine I've known for about five years or
so. He is someone I regard highly and I consider to be one of the finest people
I know. Unfortunately he is also one of the busiest people I know too. He is
very much a giver and his plate overfloweth often, so I don't get to spend very
much time with him.
After ordering our meal, I told him about my depression and what the last three years
have been like for me. I told him about the progress I've made so far and the
changes I foresee coming down the road. I opened up to him in ways I never have
before and he in turn did the same with me. It was a huge leap forward for both
of us and I think we will be better people for having this evening together.
Leaving the restaurant and driving home, I thought about Jeff Pitcher: this
artist, musician, non-conformist, fearless lover of life. I laughed again
thinking of him running the streets in a business suit. I may never do that or
shave my head or any number of the inspired insane things this man does, but I
think it is time to start living life a little more daringly and start opening
doors that have always been locked shut.
April 5, 2004
Tea Time
I drink an obscene amount of liquid every day. I drink iced tea and water and
that's pretty much it. I have the occasional juice. I don't drink coffee or soda pop. I rarely drank alcohol
before taking anti-depressants. Now it's a big no-no.
Every morning when I get to work, I go to our cafeteria and get a 32 oz. iced
tea. Throughout my day, I refill it usually three times. That means, while I am at
work, I consume one gallon of iced tea. That's not including the water I drink
during my morning workout and breakfast afterwards. Or whatever I drink when I
get home from work, with dinner and after.
In case you didn't know, hydration is very important in the desert.
One of the cashiers in the cafeteria, a sweet, friendly bilingual woman, has
noticed my repeat daily trips. A few weeks ago she started commenting on it.
"I'm sure I will see you later," she says with a wink.
This morning during refill number one she said, "I bet you make a lot of
trips to the tolieto, eh?"
Now, if this was about any other inappropriate topic, I probably would have just stared at her
like she had six heads and gawked. But I frequently make jokes about my
recurrent trips to the bathroom at work, so I wasn't bothered.
"You know it," I said. "It also doesn't help that my bladder is
apparently the size of a cashew."
She laughed as she handed me my change. I stuffed it in my pocket as I sipped my
iced tea and walked back to my desk.
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